Mafia Gazette Past Issue 136
The Mafia Gazette Issue 136 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Wednesday 16th May 'DRAW MASTER'S TALE OF HORROR ' An exclusive by Portia Saturday 12th of May was like any other Saturday really, perhaps slightly busier as more and more people were becoming interested in the Mafia Lottery. This Saturday in question saw an astounding 71 people enter. As the balls were picked and the numbers revealed I wrote them down, ready for the busy time ahead of checking all the tickets of the entrants. The final count was down a bit on recent days, but never the less 2 people had won 5 million. And both winners were sent a telegram to inform them. One of these winners was a young man by the name of Homer Simpson, a Las Vegas Gangster who was a member of the Vegas family, Criminals Under Ninja Training. I made plans to meet the young man the following day and we stopped off for coffee in one of the local cafes. During this meeting he stopped quick when he heard his name being called from one of the side alleys. He asked me if I would hold on a second till he investigated it. Next I hear gun shots ringing out and footsteps running. After what seemed like ages, but was probably only a minute or two, I went to see what had happened and found Homer Simpson lying in a pool of blood. Dead. He had come so close to receiving his envelope containing 5 million dollars. And now here he was .... dead. The following day his son turned up at my office to claim his father's money. I feel saddened for him having had a chance to chat to this man only moments before his death and knowing how close he came to being a multi-millionaire. If only he hadn't went off round the corner when he heard his name he'd be spending his millions right now. The ammo man causes yet another needless death.. 'THE SHAME OF OUR STREETS ' by WireRope As a member of a long time bloodline of members of this community, covering many years now, it is always hard to readjust to the new ways of these dark streets. These cities in which we live have seldom been safe in as long as I can remember, but when my family line returned after a long time away, there was strange sense that something had changed. Fewer people walk these streets than when we were last here. The cities are being separated. Those who have survived for a long time flourish, and those who are careless soon vanish for good. Those who gain power and friends quickly then take on the roll of protectors. The Mafia was started by men who saw them selves as honest men helping those who needed it most, almost like Robin Hood figures. So muggers and murderers are punished for their actions and our streets stay safe. At least, that’s how the theory goes. I am writing this on May the fifteenth, and during the day I found myself reading the obituaries section of the dailies. Between 12AM an 4:25PM, 30 people have been killed. Now although it is never a good thing, each day on these streets in the past has always been the last for numerous people. What I really noticed here is that out of the 30, only three were ranking members of a family. The unlucky were Pepsi of the T.E.A family, Body Bag and Alphonse of the Priesthood. The worrying fact here is not that unlucky or careless family members are dying each day, but that in under a day, 27 others have been killed. Now it would have been impossible to research all of the cases, but at least 4 of the victims had never spoken to a soul in these street about anything, they had never spoken out of turn or even made their voice heard in the streets. And these people have been killed, by people who have lasted long enough in these streets to manage to acquire guns and bullets. With the recent news that some bosses have found the best way to spend their time is by killing defenceless newcomers, is it really a wonder our streets are emptier than in the past? The true Mafioso, who guard their people and families with honour and dignity would be turning in their graves if they saw what the organisations which they started for the good of their people had become. The mindless disregard for life that is shown here on a daily basis is nothing more than a simple abuse of power being carried out by ignorant, corrupt, power hungry bosses, so proud of being the nuevo riche in our cities, that anyone wishing to make a real future for themselves has to battle through the ranks and be a worse person than they should ever have to to feel safe. My article is not one of hopelessness, but a plea to all ambitious newcomers who will eventually be our next generation to think about what a real Mafioso is. After all, the literal translation of Cosa Nostra, is “Our Thing”. Look after our newcomers and treat them with respect. 'COMPETITION CENTAL ' by Zoo As you might have seen while walking to pick this magazine up there are a lot of competitions going on. The one that has gotten most attention is Portia’s The Competition Competition where you compete with your idea for a competition and the chance to win $500’00. Not directly to yourself but half to you and half towards the prize money to run your own competition. However we managed to get a hold of someone who knows Portia well and paid him off to tell us some secrets, one of the things we heard is that there’s a rumour that the competition already has a winner so you better pitch your ideas fast to Portia. Even though we are not completely sure that the competition already is over we decided to have a chat with Portia to figure out what made her come up with this intriguing competition. 'Since our blessed nation obviously loves competitions I decided to make one myself.' Portia told our reporter.. And what better idea than to force others who previously could not afford to run competition instead of having the same old wealthy people running competitions. When faced with the rumour that it’s already over she only stated that the competition will run for a week but there is one strong contestant that is leading and will probably get the money unless someone else steps up, however we at the Gazette decided to not reveal the name of this contestant until anything official is announced. So if you are in the creative mood why not go down to Portia’s band wagon and pitch your idea before the competition ends. Or perhaps you would like to visit some of the other competitions such as “Poetical challenge” with a possible prize pool of $400’00 or the Champion tipster with a total prize pool of $400’000. If you don’t want to compete in any of these competitions why not make your own, just be aware of the man who calls himself Gianfranco Falcone that threatens to burn every competition in Detroit. But, if you don’t want to create your own competition or compete in any of those available now don’t you worry, our Portia has promised that since everyone loves competitions she will host more of them in the future. 'PROPHET TO WALK AMOUNGST US: AN INTERVIEW WITH TIE ' Today TieDomi updated us all on the latest religious news. A prophet is soon to walk these streets amoungst followers of the Darkside of Domi. After his short announcement on the street, we decided to try to get more details from none other than King Tie himself. He agreed to speak to us in an exclusive interview.. Reporter: So who is this prophet you spoke of in the street? Tie: This Prophet is THE Prophet. I cannot speak his name, but I can give you this...F.......C........U.......K Reporter: Why has he chosen now to walk amoungst his followers? Tie: Why not now? He is needed now more than ever. With the enemies of the True Religion coming from all sides, we need divine intervention and this man is it. Reporter: How did you find out about this news? Tie: Let's just say a little birdie down IRC Avenue told me. Reporter: What will this mean for Darkside of Domi followers? Tie: This will mean much rejoicing and celebration, as victory will soon be ours, and our enemies will soon be sent to the Infidel city of Denver. 'DARK TIME'S DIRTY TACTICS ' by Gazette reporter The competition between the papers is nothing new, most heated at the moment is that between our own Gazette and The Dark Times after The Dark Times paid off one of the Gazettes reporters for one of their top stories before the Gazette editor could read it. But today the competition took a step up as The Dark Times editor came to our Chicago office to accuse our editor of tampering with the ink in their printers. He threatened her with police action and told us he had a witness willing to co-operate to the story. We suspect at this time that this 'witness' is being paid by The Dark Times, although we cannot confirm this at this time. The Gazette has also recently discovered problems with ink being tampered with in their printers, we originally put it down to an error in the printing room but now believe that it was indeed no accident and that the Dark Times had something to do with the printing issues. We will keep you updated on this story as it unveils. 'LOTTERY ' Wednesdays lottery numbers are: 9, 20, 22, 24, 27, 28 The winners have not yet been notified. There were 70 players in Wednesday's lottery. Keep the entries coming in for Saturdays draw. 'ASK KING TIE ' We have recently had the one and only King Tie join our team here at the Gazette and he has agreed to do a column for us. So we are giving you the opportunity to ask King Tie anything. Have a problem with no answers? Ask King Tie. Something you've always wanted to know? Ask King Tie. Simply mail all questions directly to TieDomiII and keep an eye on the next issue of the Gazette for your answer. 'OBITUARIES ' Frank_Castle - Street Boss - May 16th, 12:09AM Roy-Bloom: Rest well My friend Laying a white rose down RIP Lily-Brookes: *lays a single tiger lily down* RIP honey Ciara: NNOOOO!! Honey, you were not supposed to die. This bites a big one. MM me when you get back love RIP Richard - Earner - May 16th, 1:08PM Portia: I'm sorry this had to happen. You were a good family member. RIP mate Sergeant: You were a great man, i hope your children learned from you. Gianfranco_Falcone: **Lays Red Rose** RIP 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Have a business? Horses? Anything you want advertised? The Gazette will advertise it here, absolutely FREE! Just drop Totally_Guitarded a mail with the details. The Gazette is back and looking for writers once more. If you have a flare for writing and wish to apply, either part time or full time.. drop by the head office in Chicago or simply submit articles Totally_Guitarded. Good rates of pay!